News just in from the planet Quillimb. Last week, one of our scientists demonstrated how easy it is to to divert some species' attention away from the things that matter. Using Numnuts – a supposedly intelligent animal which is prone to being distracted by brightly coloured objects and loud noises when it's not thinking about sex – she performed an experiment whereby it was revealed to a population of Numnuts that if you give enough tokens of wealth to those in charge, you can dictate whose back they piss on before telling them its raining. As consternation increased amongst those without umbrellas, the scientist then implied it would be a good idea for them to stock up on energy pills, even though the supplier would have to give a week's notice of any intention to threaten supplies – and that preparations were already in place for other Numnuts to do the work. Chaos reigned. The experiment proved that you don't always need bright lights and loud noises to divert Numnuts' attention away from what their leaders are doing to them. Next, she proposes to monitor everything they do ... just in case.
More next week.
Try not to do the stupid things stupid people do.