Kolly Wobble Sliced Sausage Herby Pasta

When you're a red-and-blue toy octopus unexpectedly come to life, like Kolly Wobble, life has a special taste. And so does food. To celebrate her emergence into being, here is the recipe Rex Proctor dedicated to her while she decides what to do with her new-found existence. He already knows what he intends to do. The person on whom he is based used to work with The Mind Brigade, monitoring everyone – including you – and he intends to keep civil liberties on the agenda. Rex Proctor is an action-figure come to life.

And he also cooks.

 

Kolly Wobble Sliced Sausage Herby Pasta.

(If this takes longer than twenty minutes, you should consider a takeaway or employing a cook.)

Turn on grill.

Scoop out a handful of pasta per person and set it aside. (The sieve you'll use to drain it with later is a good temporary home.) Begin to boil a saucepan of water – use a bit of common sense for the amount. Or three times the volume of pasta if you can't.

Allow two/three sausages (outdoor reared pork) per person – experiment with different flavours. Get these under the grill while you prepare the rest of the ingredients. Do not pierce. Keep an eye on them and turn every time they begin to brown. If you haven't already, close kitchen door to stop smoke alarm going off.

Select five/six cherry or baby plum tomatoes per person (on the vine if possible, but don't buy them especially) and slice in two (or quarter if they're bigger than your thumb). Put them in a bowl.

Quarter five/six black, pitted olives per person. Add to bowl.

Water should be boiling by now, so add the pasta and initially stir once or twice to stop the stuff sticking to the bottom of the pan. Ignore for the next eight or so minutes.

Put several grinds of black pepper in a cup, and a bit more to be sure, together with a heavy shower of dried herbs.

Wash and slice up a good handful of mixed salad leaves. Retain in a separate bowl.

Put a slosh of olive oil in a large saucepan and turn the ring heat to about middle.

Kill a bit of time by heating the plates in the microwave, getting the forks out and filling the sink with hot, soapy water (Wash as you go where you can – it saves stumbling upon a distressing, forgotten pile of dishes later in the evening.).

The sausages should be nearly ready by now, so make sure they're mostly browned, then remove and allow them to cool for a couple of minutes – less if you're really hungry. Pin them down with a fork or heat-proof fingers and slice into mouth-sized portions. Add to pan with the oil. Stir a few times to stop them sticking and then wipe grease from kitchen top as you prepare for the last rush.

Now up your game and concentrate, because this is where it gets busy. Banish any on-lookers, usually intrigued by the fabulous aroma that begins circulating around the house/flat/bungalow about this time. They may get in the way. Get warmed plates out of microwave. Add tomatoes and olives to sausages. Stir in. Drain pasta in that sieve and add to pan. Stir in. Add herbs and pepper. Stir and take off heat. Stir in salad leaves and serve immediately.

Begin eating as soon as humanly/toy-come-to-lifely possible. 

 

After an embarrassing incident at Harwich Terminal, Jay Diamond's tip of the week is the suggestion that it is not a good idea to wear a 'Rex Proctor Lives and Cooks' T-shirt while entering/leaving the UK via an airport or port. It may result in the individual being detained for up to nine hours, without recourse to legal representation, having all their electronic equipment confiscated for up to seven days and being forced to answer all questions or face criminal charges. This is not living in a police state, he wants people to understand, this is their government protecting them from the likes of, say, a journalist's partner – someone who they picked on in 2013 in a crass exhibition of what can happen when you help reveal what they are doing with their authority.

Rex could have saved him the trouble, because this was common practice in the Mind Brigade. The State couldn't have people thinking about questioning what was going in their name, could they?

 

Don't do the stupid things stupid people do.